Oh, SH*T! Maybe It's ME!

CW: white lady unpacking a little reflection about whiteness, negative self talk

On May 24, I spent 2.5 hours in community Grappling with the Legacy of Whiteness alongside I’d guess about 30 other community members that included leaders and teams from both the nonprofit and private sectors, as well as a few entrepreneurs. The session itself was set up beautifully by facilitators Gail Barker and Louise Pitre, who held a container for community dialogue that allowed folks to build intentional relationship, stretch the limits of their comfort zones, and learn and grow together. I’m grateful for their energy and the contributions of everyone who showed up, and the rest of what I have to say is about my own reflections both during the dialogue and after the fact.

Li’l Ol’ Me

Along with my table, I was invited to introduce myself based on a few things (4-5) that are true for me and shape how I see the world. My introduction immediately poured out of my heart, through my pen, and onto a page. One of the true things for me was this:

I have spent a lot of time in my life feeling in-between and unsettled, longing for grounding and harmony. Sometimes it agitates me in a way that leads to positive action, and sometimes the action that follows that agitation is not so positive.

The “why” behind those feelings is multi-faceted. It’s taken different forms throughout my lifetime. The difference between the positive or productive action and the harmful or unproductive action, I think, comes down to whether I’ve grounded myself in love and compassion or I’ve just barrelled ahead to make the feelings go away.

Agitation

In conversations that push the boundaries of comfort, agitation is not an unusual response. The more I care for myself, the more able I am to notice when it’s showing up in my body and get curious about what’s going on there. Something I’ve noticed in my work, particularly over the last 4-5 years, is a shared agitation among folks who are trying to create structural change from a human- and equity-centred place; symptoms can look like impatience around the time it takes to do it well and a frustration with “having to meet people where they are.”

While I am inspired by Layla Saad’s view of serving as “bridges of hope” that contribute to something better for future generations and think often about conversations I’ve had with colleagues like Mojdeh Cox about the fact that true structural change will take generations, I absolutely still have moments where I think, “FFS, are people STILL on this issue?!” There are days when I have the energy to move through that feeling and there are days when I do not. I already know that things like good sleep, exercise, nutrition, boundaries, grounding practices, and other energy management approaches significantly impact how I am able to respond outwardly. As I reflected on the May 24th conversation, what was interesting to me was not so much about how I respond, but rather what might be behind the reaction in the first place… and I’m not gonna lie, it’s a bit uncomfortable.

Grace

I was thinking about the moments when I feel most frustrated about the energy it takes to meet people where they are, and I came to a pretty tough realization. I know I’m a work in progress and will always be learning. I know I’m white so will continue to make mistakes when it comes to anti-racism work. I know I’m a settler so I will continue to make mistakes when it comes to decolonizing my mind and heart and committing to reconciliation and justice in the ways that I can. I know I’m cisgender and will never be perfect when it comes to trans issues. I know I exist in a relationship that meets heteronormative standards so will never have to worry about my safety in that regard.

I could go on, but my point is that I have grace for my current and future self. I can honour where I am, know I’ll never be perfect, show up and do hard shit anyway, be proactively and retrospectively mindful of harm, make amends, and keep growing forward.

You know who I seem to have no time or grace for, though? My past self. She is the embodiment of the shame that accomplishes nothing but still somehow seems to show up. Rationally, she is no more or less perfect nor human than my current or future self; she didn’t “know better” enough to “do better” to paraphrase Maya Angelou, yet I can so easily demonize and dehumanize her.

This all occurred to me as I was thinking about when I feel most frustrated about meeting people where they are and the exchanges I feel most agitated by. For some reason, I actually find I have time for folks who are learning from a place that’s unfamiliar to me, or I can detach emotionally from those folks I know I just don’t think I have the skills or the energy to bring along or influence.

As I was reflecting on those most frustrating moments, I thought, “oh, SHIT! Maybe it’s ME!” That is, the behaviour that I’m seeing or the view I’m addressing is something tied to how I view “past Rachel”. It reconnects me to a version of myself that I’ve grown beyond yet still makes up a part of who I am. It’s a sticking point in a cycle I’ve tried to break. This person is the hardest for me to acknowledge fully and meet with love, compassion, and grace.

Getting Over Myself

Another key part of my introduction in that May 24th conversation was to say that I’m on a lifelong journey in my relationship with my ego. Some days it’s healthy, and some days it’s not, and figuring out how to shift the balance is work for me to do with my journal and my therapist. What I’ve learned from this reflection is that I still have some work to do; in particular, while of course my goal is always to learn and grow, trying to prove to anyone (including myself) that I’m better than that former version of myself (and behaviours that evoke her) is not a useful way to direct my energy. Trying to prove I’m better is righteousness in action, and that is driven by ego, not by love.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t actually matter whether I’m better than I was (or, frankly, if I become worse than I was); that’s not a useful place to focus my attention. What is useful is to focus on where my attention and energy can have positive impact and ripples in my relationships and how to continue showing up in that space with enough softness to move forward productively. Further, I must continue to acknowledge my own responsibility to heal where my energy gets stuck so I can follow through on that commitment.